This is the central thrust of the term: A codependent simply doesn't have enough clarity of his or her own identity to require respect from others. Or fight for his or her own views. Or hold others accountable to standards of behavior he or she strongly values. At the heart of it, codependents behave as if others are more important than themselves. However, typically, deep down inside, they really don't believe that others are more important—and so find themselves depressed, anxious, and resentful…without consciously knowing why. 

So, for example, the codependent wife of an alcoholic husband may tell herself that her husband works hard and deserves to relax at night. She may even buy him his weekly cases of beer. She rationalizes that he needs his drinking to help him unwind. Secretly, however, she resents that he isn't available evenings to talk with her. She feels enormous emotional pain that he shows little interest in her. She feels desperately lonely because he has no interest in affection, except brief sexual interludes to satisfy his own cravings. She feels helpless, but convinces herself she's being a good wife by doting on her hard-working man. 

Why is this “codependent?” Because she's not living out who she really wants to be. She secretly can't stand her life. She doesn't require her husband to respect her by getting his act together. She won't demand he honor his vows to her, investing in her instead of his booze. Sadly, she doesn't value herself enough to hold him accountable for betraying her with his mistress, the bottle. Instead, she “enables” him. She allows him to continue his betrayal of her by ignoring what she really wants out of the relationship, rationalizing his behavior, and even buying his beer for him. 

In a nutshell, she neither embraces what she really stands for nor requires respect for it. That posture of codependency can be found in men and women, and in all manner of occupations and roles. How do you know if you are codependent? By answering: Are you in a relationship where, too often, you feel lonely, disrespected, disappointed, disillusioned, and frustrated? Do you feel too much like you're begging for love? Does your lover or spouse refuse to consider your needs? Or refuses to value your standards of moral conduct? If so—and you continue to allow it—then you are likely “codependent.” Why is being codependent a problem? Because you really don't have “you.”